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| thank you for all the comments and prayers everyone.
i've been doing okay. right now i'm very depressed and crying. i miss my baby. i would've had a big pregnant belly by now.
my bestfriend's girlfriend is giving birth any day now. i'm happy for them, but it also makes me sad.
i feel kinda lost again. and unsure of what to do.
i dont know. i'm just rambling.
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| I'm listening to Robbie Williams "Somethings Beautiful"
I like it 
I had to go to the emergency room sunday/monday at 2am. I hemoraghed
and lost so much blood. I really thought i was gonna die. I had the
WORST pain i've ever had in my whole life. The cramps were horrible. I
couldnt move. I was bleeding out these big blood clots.
After a while of that I started feeling really cold and the world
seemed to fade- or I seemed to fade away. Everything seemed so far
away. I thought I was dying. Tony helped me up off the bathroom floor
and I saw my relfection in the bathroom mirror. I was so pale-
white/green i had no lips.
Tony called 911
I was on the couch upstairs and I asked him to get my ring he'd given
me. (i took it off earlier when i got mad at him) I didnt want to go to
the hospital without his ring.
I was given oxygen and somthing to bring up my blood pressure. They
also gave me morphine which I didnt like. It made me heavy and gave me
a headache and tummy ache.
Then I had surgery. I came home and threw up all day.
So it's over now. ALmost, I am supposed to rest and not go to school/work for 7 days!!!
I cant do that. I tried to go to work today but he said "Uh..the printer is broken...dont bother."
I was like "Okay, i'll see you tomorow."
He said "I'll call you...."
???
I think he's firing me cuz i missed so many days because of my miscarriage and having to go to the doctor.
It sucks. I need the money and I'm willing to work. He could at least
give me 2 weeks notice- i'm depending on that money to pay for my
tuition every month.
So yeah, its been a crazy few days, crazy week, crazy month....
I'm not sure how i feel about it. I just want to be happy.
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| I think i am getting surgery to have the miscarriage finished. it has
been 2 weeks of bleeding and horrible cramping and feeling tired and
moody(maybe from hormones?)
At first I wanted to do it naturally and i think it is mostly over but
there hasnt been any....well there has not been a whole lot of blood,
just a little everyday.
so i am going in on friday to have a talk with my doctor.
i want to do the surgery this weekend.
i almost got fired at work. it sucked.
i went in yesterday but No one was there and there were no jobs
scheduled for yesterday so i figured we were closed. it was locked and
everything and my boss was out of town.
so then today he's pissed and he mentions that i need to come in on
time and i'm thinking he means today i was like 2 mins late. so i was
like "oh i'm sorry"
i didnt know he meant yesterday! i thought we were closed i didnt find out we were open till after my shift ended.
i almost started to cry too cuz i'm so emotional and hormonal with this miscarriage, i havent slept in SOO long
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| it's 3am and i cant sleep.
isnt that a song?
i'm very upset by what happened the other day, with what 'kyle' said. (see last post)
i feel like i've been cursed or something.
i am still grieving over this baby, and now i have no hope that my next one will live either.
i feel alone. tony is not even
that upset. i told him i was feeling alone and that he'd moved on and
i'm still in pain everyday (physically and emotionally) I also asked
why he wasnt more upset at 'kyle'. Why didnt he defend me and our unborn baby!?
he got upset at me, asking why i had to always say what he did wrong.
then he rolled over and fell asleep.
i am too scared to be hopefull that my next baby will live. i feel so hollow inside. i am terrified of the next time i get pregnant. i dont think i'll even be happy,
i'll just hear those words in my head and i'll remember that this one
died and i will be scared every moment that i'll lose the next baby too.
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| sorry i havent written in a while.
i had the worst night last night.
it was the first time i really went out since the miscarriage (although
i'm STILL bleeding so it isnt over yet) SO i was at my good firend's
house (we'll call him Kyle) and we were having so much fun, then we start talking about the miscarriage and he says: "Youre next one is gonna miscarry too"
WTF
i thought i heard him wrong. He said it again. I looked at him and I was like "No, it isnt!"
he still said it was going to. And this is one of my GOOD friends. i couldnt understand why he would say that.
i just got up and went into the house.
then i cried in the back yard and my other friend who i hadnt chilled with in years saw me and we talked.
Then later Kyle and I talked and he said he was sorry for saying it. he also was drunk sitting in his car and i took the keys.
he tried to explain why he said it but it didnt make sense to me.
now the next time i get pregnant i'm going to think of that on top of all the other worrying.
i felt crazy all night and i just wanted to die. i SI'd. such an idiot.
i also lost the ring Tony gave me. I luved it and i wore it everyday for the past few years and i dont know where it is now.
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